Letters to Colin1 (1.5yrs old)

(Inspired by "Letters to Sam" by Daniel Gottlieb)

Some people say, a mother-son bond is unique and different from a mother-daughter bond. I'm feeling it and I want to explore it.

I don't have brothers, and I went to an all-girls school during the most important teenage years. I crave for a big brother to take care of me. Along came your father and he fitted the bill nicely.

When your sister was born, I loved her like I would love a younger sister. She is familiar to me, and at the back of my mind, I've already decided that she'd take a similar path to mine (of course, I must be careful to let her choose her own path).

When you came along, I was at a blank. How do I care for you? How should I speak to you? How do I comb your hair??

Gender differences exist. First born-second born differences exist. When your sister started walking at 14+ months, she put her hands behind her back and savoured the pride of her new found independence. When you started walking at 13months, you were so excited that you wanted to start running immediately!

And you did start running very quickly after that. You are trying to jump, and you are throwing balls. I've already decided that I would nag at you for spending so much time playing ball! :)

When your sister falls, I encourage her to stand up by herself; when you fall, you pull yourself up before I can say anything. She's always careful about where she goes; you shoot off the moment we place you on the floor and you don't even care if we are following you or not! She loves holding my hand; you never wanted to hold my hand.

But you're starting to hold my hand now, and when you fall, you would come to me and ask for my "sayang", not because you really needed it, but because it feels nice.

You are a happy baby, it makes you easy to love. You are blessed without eczema, it makes your skin so smooth I just want to slide my fingers against your puffy cheeks again and again.

People with grown up sons tell me, "hug and kiss him as much as you can now, when he grows up, he won't even look at you". So I am doing just that. I know I will be holding your sister's hand even when she's all grown up, but I'm not so sure about how you'd turn out. No amount of "Raising Boys" or Human Growth Development module can teach me that.

So until the day you said, "Mama, I can hold your hand now, not you hold mine." I will continue to hug and kiss and tickle your tummy.